The fish... there's more?

Hi all :) Hope you've all had a great weekend :)

My keyboard isn't working very well at times so I'll have to be extra careful with spelling etc.!

Apologies in advance if there are letters missing. C'est la vie. (Damn right I can speak French)

Anywhooo onto today's main topic!

... Well there isn't really one to be honest.

I thought I'd better write a blog talking through some of the improvements I've made to it for those who are easily...

...10 minutes later and I've stopped feeding my fish, sorry I got distract...

...

...

...

...

...

Hehehe the fish follow my cursor and everything...

*Ahem* sorry about that.

So far I think I'm doing rather well on the old spelling front.

...wonder how long that will last...

I have had a letter in from a reader



Dear Adam

I have been reading your blogs since day one and have been unable to comment due to the awful commenting system. Please can you do something about it?

Love from,

Completely Fictitious Reader



Ask and it will be provided :) there is now a comment thingymebob at the side. Say hi or whatever :)


Have a nice week :)

Adam

Light travels faster than sound.
That's why some people seem relatively bright until they start talking.

Sex in the mainstream.

SEX


...Right well now that's got your attention I'll begin shall I?

"In da club" by 50 cent has just blinked off on my Spotify which shows that I really do think I am more G than I actually am. I really need to accept that I'm a middle class, slightly camp, white guy. The american gangster underworld would probably bend me over... (steady now) print welcome on my back and use me as a doormat.

 I will try and not make this blog post yet another sad sob story about how I'm really not "down with the kids" or "street" or will ever be referred to as "brother" after what is dubbed a "bro hug".

 I suppose that is fine... Tea?


 My main reason to come to you today dear reader is to ask you has Sex become mainstream?

 Reader: *scratches imaginary beard* interesting theory Mr Legg, please continue. However isn't this a bit of a deep topic to follow a rant about being so white it hurts?

 Me: Probably... SEX


 Got your attention again.

 Anyway I've just seen Taio Cruz's new track on the Graham Norton show. (Gained gangster points for Taio Cruz... and lost them all with the Graham Norton show.)

 It seems that a lot of songs are geared around sex nowadays...

 Reader: Thanks Captain fucking Obvious.

 Quiet fool... anyway...where was I again?

 Oh yes there. Thank you.

 It seems that almost any artist can make it into the top 20 nowadays as long as he or she is making so much innuendo it would make a Carry On star take a vow of chastity.

 For a lot of them it's like reading an erotic novel with a bass line.

 The music behind them isn't even that interesting either! It's like the composer was doing in their back garden at the time and decided that their Lawnmower really did throw down some funky rhythms.

 Some of the lyrics they come out with as well for example:

 "Pretend that I'm a dinner, she gon' me my salt shaker" - Taio Cruz - Troublemaker

What does that even mean? It's like come on. Can anybody put their hands up and genuinely tell me what the hell he is talking about here? Other than some really weird role play where she dresses up like a salt shaker? Whatever floats your boat Taio. 

"'Cause something comes over me" - Nicole Scherzinger - Wet

 Despite the sexual connotations that hold the song together. The annoyingly catchy song from Nicole Scherzinger does have some interesting lyrics in it. Take this one for example. I've decided for the purposes of attempting to keep this all as decent as possible I'd better not say what I thought.

"I love it when it gets so wet starts tricklin' down" - Same song.

The whole point in the song is the double entendre that comes out of the connotations regarding the word "wet" and what it symbolises with a female singer. With this is mind this lyric genuinely physically repulses me. 

 That was just a selection of some lyrics I found while casually surfing the web for examples to support my argument. Any that might give me a chuckle please feel free to send in. :) 

 Anyway I hope none of you were eating during this blog. If you were I sincerely apologuise. 

Adam xx

SEX ... one day I will explain this to you. Not sex itself. I'll leave that to the extremely awkward talk that my dad gave me when I was young and actually managed to bore me off ever asking again. 

This should be an interesting first blog for my two lecturers who are now reading these... oh well I hope they see the funny side. 

Snazzy.

Right well I've just eaten a pizza that tasted of cardboard. Nom. Nahht.

I think I'm in a bad mood. Can't really tell. I'm still relatively optimistic but I'm running round being bloody cynical about bloody everything.

It became apparent when I walked into the meeting today and somebody moaned about having their sweets confiscated in the library.

Before I had even thought about it I was mocking her by talking about how I was sure there are prisoners of war who realize life isn't so bad as to have had their sweets taken off them.

Comedic genius I know.

Between me and Hannah Charlton, we have managed to put together a flyer for the lacrosse club.

I helpfully suggested that the flyer should have something snappy and witty on it as to reflect my absolutely hilarious personality and banter (why are you laughing?)

Anyway I thought that a good idea would be to put on these posters...

"LACROSSE... HAVE YOU GOT THE BALLS"

It then became apparent that it didn't quite have the same effect for girls...

"LACROSSE... DO YOU HAVE A VAGINA?"

A sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen.


Nobody really uses the word "snazzy" anymore.

We should definitely use it more often.

Snazzy is such a snazzy word it makes my snazziness look even more snazzy. BOOM

That's a lot of snazzy for one sentence.

I think it's fair to say that that was one snazzy sentence.

The snazzy alliteration in that last sentence made me look even more snazzy.

Snazzyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.






...so yeh moving on.

The show is back on tomorrow. I expect you all to listen in. That is all.

So long and thanks for all the fish.

Adam.


A day without sunshine is like... well  night really.








Oh wait! Take me out.

Not literally. With a sniper. I want to die in my sleep like my mate.

Not screaming, like the passengers on his bus.


So yeh take me out is back on our screen. With even more laughs etc. Funfunfunfunfun.

With it came much annoyance for me.

There was this girl called Wen who was a serial dater. To which she added "girls gotta eat"

Well done dear you just sent the feminist movement back 40 years.

The show also comes with a spinoff entitled "take me out: the gossip"

Basically you find out more about the girls that will be assessing the poor males who put themselves on a very public platform in order to hopefully get a date.

Felt sorry for the guy with the snake. Then again a snake is not really known for it's woman-attracting qualities.

Apart from the notorious trousersnake.

But yeh I'm ending it here.

Stop reading.

Seriously stop reading...




...seriously move onto a previous blog.







...you still here?

Sleep, or the lack of...

I am supposed to be sleeping right now.

Although my bed has a cardboard box, a guitar case, a guitar, a sleeping bag, a couple of cans of Pepsi max, a notebook and a polystyrene plane on it... it still looks rather inviting. I suppose I could spoon the cardboard box and guitar and shove everything else away with my feet and fit right in there!

But I probably won't.

University has well and truly stuck it's middle finger up to my sleeping patterns.

I'm going to take this opportunity to say hi to all the people that viewed from Russia over the past month! Nearly rivaling the readership of England! So hello all 2 of you!

I joke I joke. But seriously it's great to see that my generally incoherent ramblings are being (hopefully) enjoyed overseas! Get in touch people! I want to hear from you!

Anyway I have a topic for today... (I do?)
Yes you do! (Oh well that's good to know... please! lead on!)

Okay I will then!

In my grand old age of nearly 19 I swear I have borrowers infesting the house.

They keep taking stuff and leaving it exactly where I left it. Highly annoying.

For all those who have never heard of the borrowers you really need to watch the film.

(They really do. So yeh keep going)

I really don't need your permission to carry on you know. This is my blog too.

(Sorry I'll be quiet... *hands in pockets and whistles while tidying up around the place*)

Right where was I when I was so rudely interrupted by the alternate personality I have invented purely for the purposes of this blog?

I haven't a clue... it's not like I could look up the page or anything...

...why am I listening to 50 cent?

I am feeling so ironically g right now. I could grab the gun I really don't have, ride slow in the low rider I don't have and refer to everybody as brother all the time. Which, seeing as I'm not Jamie Oliver, I don't do.

(But Adam you pretty much covered the fact that you aren't exactly "gangsta" material in your last blog. Surely you haven't run out of material! THINK OF SOMETHING ORIGINAL BROTHER!)

Yeh I can totally see your quietness is going REALLY well...

...wait did you just call me brother?

(Yeh I did yo g diggy dawg mothertrucka)

...right okay then. 50 cent is evidently having a bad influence on my alternate personality... next I'll be rapping about how the ghetto of Cheshire is a really hard place to grow up.

(Guns don't kill people. Rappers do.)

Oh dear... it's started. It's going through the goldie lookin' chain period as my wit and my suppressed gangster personalities wrestle for control of my head. This is going to end well...

...wait what are these blue midgets doing running around?

Turns out I'm not on acid.

Liam Smith has mentioned that he's got the smurfs in his head.

I wonder how my "absolutely g" side will deal with the urge to paint myself blue and go live in a mushroom?

(You wanna play rough? Okay! Say hello to my little friend!)

So Scarface eh? I suppose that will do

Lalalaala sing a happy song...

Lalalalalaa smurf the whole day long

(*The sound of machine gun fire*)

Well that was over pretty quickly. Turns out smurfs don't react well to an under-mounted grenade launcher... who knew?

(Hello darling... did you miss me?)

Well it looks like my wit has regained control of my consciousnesses while "I'm so g montana" was reloading.
Please ignore the dress. It does that a lot.

Adam

Looking forward to being back at uni with everyone like the Flat 6ers, Liam Smith, Eric Ling (who's blog you should defo check out! He's following me on here so click away!), Leanne Cheshire, Hayley White, Chloe Rudd, Ste Thomas, Tom James, Conor Callaghan and the rest of the course as well as everyone who should be on here. Please excuse the fact that you're name has been missed off I am dreadfully tired!

(Squidge <3)

I guess I should let my fantastic wit have the last word as it has won this evening...

(... or maybe you should go f...)

...perhaps not.

Two thousand rappers.

Right well I should be hopefully reaching my 2000th viewer this time round. When you are reading this just check down at the bottom where the reader count thingy is. If you're number 2000; let me know! It would be nice and not creepy whatsoever.

Presupposing that more than 12 people actually read this anyway.

 I hope so. I get more viewers in the holiday time. Seeing as it's vaguely around holiday time now hopefully people will be very bored, see that I've written a blog and read something other than increasingly bitchy statuses on facebook.

 I mean I like to think that these blogs are vaguely interesting/absolutely hilarious but obviously it could be the funniest blog in the world yet would probably be pretty pointless if nobody read it.

 Anybody listening in to me writing one of these will probably hear sniggers and snorts as I laugh at my own jokes.

 If that isn't sad enough I do occasionally get bored and re-read these. Just to remind me of how funny I actually am.

 Brb. Going to get my new hat.

...
...
...

 Back :D Exciting times!

Anyways moving on... Guns don't kill people... rappers do.
(completely related I know; I'm listening to it now.)

It's quite funny because we have these rappers that are professional etc. though I think I've found the winning answer for these.

It's simple maths really.

You take:

A hard life in the ghetto + money + "pussy" (though I'm not sure what cats actually have to do with it)
Gold chains, false teeth and several bullet wounds are optional but not required.

So I'm decided to move to a council estate, win the lottery... and buy a cat.
See you in the charts motherfuckers! (It's also important that I swear all the time too. Helps the badboy image.)

I need to drop all usage of spelling and grammar as this is perceived as "cool" and "with it" (or maybe "kwl" and "wit it yo brap, g, re-fucking-load {got my swearing in there})

 Or maybe not...
Maybe I could be Andy Murray and rap about having fans etc.
Or I could be the worlds first grammatically correct rap-person with "sweet rhymes" such as the number 1 hit "i before e except after c".

 Or maybe not that either.
The truth is that I will never make it as a rapper. 
Nor do I really plan to.
Too many women. Too many guns and I don't plan on taking Emily to the candy shop. 

I guess the rap scene just isn't ready for me yet.
However in the words of the artist known as "Phil"
"yes, well, legibility and correct punctuation might not be "street"... but that's how I roll, motherfucker."

MC Adam Legg.

"Alright stop... collaborate and listen" - Miss Davies.

On the road to driving godness.

The more observant of you will observe with all your powers of observingness (that is a word) that I am still not driving.

This, I have decided, is not my fault.
Nor is it the fault of my uncle, who, over the year that I've been driving nearly, has been a patient, albeit brave, teacher.

It is the fault of the hazard perception test.

It doesn't actually specify what a hazard actually is.

And if for example a caring member of the British community felt that four hooded teenagers doing a crack deal at the side of the road is worth about 5 million clicks that he feels is not only a hazard to the lives of the yobs involved but all those around them.

You never know. One might suddenly burst into a crack fueled rage and decide he is infact invincible and the bonnet of my car is a good thing to test this newfound power against. I'd count that as a hazard.

Or the fact that the trees your driving past could be the home to a wide assortment of vampires/ninjas/lost old people who could, at any moment, jump down and assault your vehicle with fangs, discs and worthers original.
I'd count that as a hazard too!

What if the sheep, innocently passing in front of your car waved on by a farmer who really does nothing for the stereotype) had rabies? You could be in risk of catching a disease that is potentially fatal if the crazed sheep somehow broke into your car and attacked you.

Have you ever seen a sheep run? You wouldn't be able to get away. It'd keep coming and coming and coming. And then you'd have rabies.
I'd say that's a hazard. Rabies, in the past, has been considered to be quite hazardous.
 
  All this is apparently incorrect in the world where a car turning out 5 miles ahead of you is the dawning of the next Apocalypse. 

 Its just that I like to plan ahead for these things.

  All you people who are laughing and don't will one day fall victim of an invincible teenager, a fully armed old person or that you didn't quite lock your doors quick enough to stop that crazy ball of wool from infecting you with rabies.

You were drawn in by their cute propaganda of Sean the sheep and Timmy time. You might even be old enough to have been influenced by menace-to-the-street Larry the Lamb. They are coming. The sheep will rule. LONG LIVE KING COTTON



 ...sorry I don't know what quite happened there. However my sheep bite is burning....

Adam


BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA... wait, what?

Btw who will be the 2000th viewer? baa.

A close shave.

 I should be reaching my 2000th view sometime soon.
It might be with this post...
most likely it will be the next!

Or maybe not at all! WHO KNOWS?

IT COULD BE YOU! *mysterious music*


Anyway back on track. What I actually wanted to come and write to you about was the end of Movember and all the goodness it bought with it.


I had just come back from doing some editorial work for the university newspaper when I was told by Jade that it was nearly midnight! EXCITING TIMES!

I rushed into my bedroom to ready my razor.

Here's what my mind decided to happen. Bearing in mind my life, in my head, is a musical.

I entered the room.

We're leaving together... and still we stand tall
Coz maybe they've seen us... something something something...
ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWN
lala la la
lalalalalaaaa
lala la la
lalalalalalaaaa

Something along those lines anyway.
Not with all those people in the background though. That's just a little creepy.
I think if I was shaving and someones face popped up in the mirror screaming the final countdown at me. I'd probably cut myself.

Which, surprisingly enough, hurts.

Plus when you cut your face. Does it stop bleeding? No it bloody well doesn't!
Numerous rolls of toilet roll stuck to my face later... It's still bleeding! Not helpful when your late for something... like the line for time keeping. The irony would've probably killed me.

Anyway clicking play on the video of my life I am currently entering the bathroom...
I grasped hold on my razor and held it in the air!

AAAHHHHHHH DA BINNN YAAAAAAA
DAABAADEE DABBA DAAA

I barely resisted the urge to wake the whole block up by screaming "BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL" at the top of my voice.

Apparently people don't like being woken up by battle cries! Who knew?

My shaving skills were like Barry Scott on the Cilit bang advert. BANG...

...and I'd cut myself three bloody times!

Numerous toilet rolls later and I'd managed to clot the gaping wound which was at least the size of the rubber on the end of a pencil. THAT BIG!

Despite the war wound that I currently carried on my face I battled through to shave. Earning man points along the way by not crying.

I'm a big boy. I'm a big boy. I'm a big boy. 

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Smoothness... mmmm... my chin feels nice.

Moving on at a reasonable pace.

After my entry about dancing last week about my dancing skills earning me the title of "white gangster" last week.

(A title I really want Bruce Forsythe to come out with on strictly come dancing

"Didn't they do well?

Those moves reminded me of when I was a white gangster...

When I was hip to the hop and 'down with the kids'

Seeing you dance makes me want to put my baseball cap on backwards and listen to snoop dogg")

I WON A DANCEOFF.

I'm feeling cool and "safe" already.

Infront of the whole Students Union Bar my pub quiz team had drawn with another team.

Anyway I went out

I busted some moves

and a hip.

And won.

Gotta love drinks vouchers.

Will see if I can try and get a video up at some point

Anyway I'm off to do my radio show

8-10pm www.frequencyradio.co.uk

THE LEGG UP

Adam xxx

Smart/Casual

Dinner Jacket - Very Smart

Naked - Very casual.

Going out wearing nothing but a dinner jacket... now that's smart casual.