I am a chronic procrastinator. Whenever I really have to do something, something else becomes so vitally important the world might just end if I don't do it.
My room is a perfect example of this...
On and off my room hasn't been completely tidy for about 2 years. Sure it's been cleaned, vacced, moved around and repainted... but never completely tidy. I'd blame this on the sunshine, moonlight and the boogie if I could but somehow I doubt anyone would believe me.
Here are my reasons why the song has a lot to do with tidying my room (or rather lack of it)
Sunshine
The sun is a bitch when you are tidying you room. It makes everything look so inviting outside. When the sun is properly shining in Manchester (a phrase most might consider an oxymoron) it makes the world through your window look like it should be skipping through a field singing "it's all too beautiful" while surrounded by a yellow haze.
Moonlight
When evening comes and the sun descends below the wonderful horizon that is the Broomwood council estate; things start to happen...
... Not fangs, extra hair or an overwhelming desire to urinate against a lamppost...
...People start to happen. Everyone comes out at night, they let their hair down and whip you in the eye on the dancefloor with it...
...or just sleep.
Exciting and attractive opportunities arise for the chronic procrastinator at night; parties, nights out, good film, takeaway etc. However, if your anything like me, you will find that sleep attacks you first.
Sleep comes out of nowhere, like a ninja with chloroform... ironically, after I had written this I woke up at 4am wondering what the hell just happened. Now finishing this at 15.29 the next day and reading through this wondering exactly what was going through my head at the time. Probably pink zambuka... The show must go on!
This leaves us with...
Boogie
Now I, like I'm sure most of you do, tidy my room to music. This in itself isn't necessarily a problem, until a particularly catchy song comes up and I start dancing. This, for me, is the time where I decide to try out some new moves I have literally just thought of just then. This distracts me from room tidying, often for a good 20 minutes while I have the song on repeat so I can perfect said dancemove...
... I really need to get out more.
Some of the more smart arsed ones of you may have noticed that I'm talking about "Blame it on the boogie" by Jackson 5 to illustrate the point to this blog. Others may notice that I missed out "the good times" - All the times are "the good times"
...Back to fish...
Have had plenty of comments about my fish but none on the nature of what their names might be so suggestions please :D
Adam xx
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Thursday, 4 August 2011
Tuesday, 26 July 2011
My fishies bring all the readers to the blog!
Hello all!
I'd like to start this blog by saying an extra special hello to all my non-uk readers. Many of whom I have never met but I appreciate your following :D Especially in the US of A where I have picked up a couple of followers I believe. One checked in last week coming straight from the facebook page of a Rudy Hernandes so a shout out to them is in order too, for being the second strangest traffic source on my history.
Since my last blog I have become a tad obsessed after finding the statistic page on my blog and have been keeping an eye of the countries you are reading this from and what page you last viewed before viewing my blog, also known as a traffic source.
As I mentioned before the person visiting straight from Rudy Hernandes' page is only the second strangest. In my non-stalking capacity on my overly obsessive stat abuse I came across this traffic source that confused me further;
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Montel_Williams
Somebody, whoever you are you win the prize for strangest traffic source, came to my blog straight from Montel William's wikipedia page. I entertained the thought that there might be a link hidden in the page though I highly doubt it.
Moving on from my stalkerish ways on my blog some of the more observant ones; probably the same as those that noticed that the title for my whole blog is blog spelled backwards (and wrongly!) May have noticed the fish at the top of the screen. For the sake of argument I'm keeping 5 of them and keeping them orange, however, what I need from you, my dearly loved readers, is names for them. Email me or post on my wall ( or even, heaven forbid, comment on this blogpost once in a while ;) ) potential names. My favourite ones will go in a poll that I'll put up on this website and we can vote for the ones we like the best. Top 5 wins! Easy!
By the way the fish aren't just there for decoration...
... okay that was a lie. BUT they will swim towards your mouse if you move it over the pool in the hopes you will press your mouse and give them food :D
Me, or any of my affiliates; (Myself and I), cannot accept any harm caused by the fish if they bite. It's your own stupid fault.
Adam xxx
Sex, drugs and veggie rolls.
I'd like to start this blog by saying an extra special hello to all my non-uk readers. Many of whom I have never met but I appreciate your following :D Especially in the US of A where I have picked up a couple of followers I believe. One checked in last week coming straight from the facebook page of a Rudy Hernandes so a shout out to them is in order too, for being the second strangest traffic source on my history.
Since my last blog I have become a tad obsessed after finding the statistic page on my blog and have been keeping an eye of the countries you are reading this from and what page you last viewed before viewing my blog, also known as a traffic source.
As I mentioned before the person visiting straight from Rudy Hernandes' page is only the second strangest. In my non-stalking capacity on my overly obsessive stat abuse I came across this traffic source that confused me further;
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Montel_Williams
Somebody, whoever you are you win the prize for strangest traffic source, came to my blog straight from Montel William's wikipedia page. I entertained the thought that there might be a link hidden in the page though I highly doubt it.
Moving on from my stalkerish ways on my blog some of the more observant ones; probably the same as those that noticed that the title for my whole blog is blog spelled backwards (and wrongly!) May have noticed the fish at the top of the screen. For the sake of argument I'm keeping 5 of them and keeping them orange, however, what I need from you, my dearly loved readers, is names for them. Email me or post on my wall ( or even, heaven forbid, comment on this blogpost once in a while ;) ) potential names. My favourite ones will go in a poll that I'll put up on this website and we can vote for the ones we like the best. Top 5 wins! Easy!
By the way the fish aren't just there for decoration...
... okay that was a lie. BUT they will swim towards your mouse if you move it over the pool in the hopes you will press your mouse and give them food :D
Me, or any of my affiliates; (Myself and I), cannot accept any harm caused by the fish if they bite. It's your own stupid fault.
Adam xxx
Sex, drugs and veggie rolls.
Monday, 11 July 2011
The view from a blogger.
I'm going to be honest. This post is a thank you.
All that may have been in earshot in the past week will know that I have reached over 1000 views of this blog.
Practically speaking about 20 of these are probably me; looking at formatting with my OCD design mind and wondering if I could make any more anal improvements to somehow increase the attractiveness of the page.
After a while I had decided that I could spend forever trying to make everything look all prettiful and nice; art decor flowers on the ceiling perhaps? A new sofa? Maybe pink chimpanzees performing the Charleston or dazzling flashing lights to make sure epileptics have the time of their lives...
Though my interior design phase I realised that I didn't actually aim this blog at anyone in particular. It was just open, as it always has been, for anyone who takes a casual interest in what happens to me on my day to day activities; the rather bizarre events that happen or simply the weird things I attempt to do to make the boring journey up Brooklands road that little bit less soul destroying.
It was on my way home today that I had time to reflect on my blog and where it had begun to where it now is; with an average of 200 core people reading each one in recent posts!
I looked down and realised that I had been swinging my hands similar to the time I had tried to speed up my walk to school by taking a leaf out of Micheal Mcintyre's book and swinging my arms.
I have been a fan of this technique for a while. Even though it means you look a bit of twat you are king of the pavement. Overtaking pedestrians easily on your crusade to arrive home in a quicker time than before...
...Still, 1000 views.
I'd like to say thanks to everyone for supporting me so far, your kind words of encouragement to me have always been welcome. Even my critics, of whom I know there are some, I appreciate the time you take to read it anyway.
Therefore I'd like to take the opportunity to say a massive thank you to you all.
My blogs; past, present and future are always dedicated to you.
Adam xx
All that may have been in earshot in the past week will know that I have reached over 1000 views of this blog.
Practically speaking about 20 of these are probably me; looking at formatting with my OCD design mind and wondering if I could make any more anal improvements to somehow increase the attractiveness of the page.
After a while I had decided that I could spend forever trying to make everything look all prettiful and nice; art decor flowers on the ceiling perhaps? A new sofa? Maybe pink chimpanzees performing the Charleston or dazzling flashing lights to make sure epileptics have the time of their lives...
Though my interior design phase I realised that I didn't actually aim this blog at anyone in particular. It was just open, as it always has been, for anyone who takes a casual interest in what happens to me on my day to day activities; the rather bizarre events that happen or simply the weird things I attempt to do to make the boring journey up Brooklands road that little bit less soul destroying.
It was on my way home today that I had time to reflect on my blog and where it had begun to where it now is; with an average of 200 core people reading each one in recent posts!
I looked down and realised that I had been swinging my hands similar to the time I had tried to speed up my walk to school by taking a leaf out of Micheal Mcintyre's book and swinging my arms.
I have been a fan of this technique for a while. Even though it means you look a bit of twat you are king of the pavement. Overtaking pedestrians easily on your crusade to arrive home in a quicker time than before...
...Still, 1000 views.
I'd like to say thanks to everyone for supporting me so far, your kind words of encouragement to me have always been welcome. Even my critics, of whom I know there are some, I appreciate the time you take to read it anyway.
Therefore I'd like to take the opportunity to say a massive thank you to you all.
My blogs; past, present and future are always dedicated to you.
Adam xx
Friday, 17 June 2011
Friday, Friday, write another bloggy thing on Friday.
Just got in from Emily's house and am sat in my dining-room-turned-playroom with a Ribena and the TV on "90s Dance Resurrection". As I progress to be transfixed I become more and more fixed in the belief that some 90s dance tracks should, much like the outfits some of the artists are wearing, should never been seen in public again.
I am however quite enjoying some of it. And have perhaps found something that my life has been lacking of lately. I've been searching for some feel good dance music that I wouldn't mind playing out loud. The closest I have been to feel good music recently has been the subtle volume turn up of "In the Navy" which comes up on my phone.
...Not quite sure what the neighbours would think though...
Today, has been interesting to say the least really. The point of my day that I will remember was being persuaded into buying a pen for some prostate charity. When exiting the Clintons cards store where I had purchased this pen I was reminded to "keep checking them"... thanks for that :P
...Sweet like chocolate has just come on. Probably what a chocolate inducted nightmare would look like. Seriously this video is scarier than the exorcist on crack...
Not quite sure what I think of this "Geordie shore". I really can't see what people see in programs like that. I tried watching that "made in essex" the other day and ended up switching....
...Oh dear god... There's this song that is basically an advert for "visit Ecuador" It shows a man in a cowboy hat shouting thinks at a camera ending with the country. This man could effectively be shouting anything. "I am shagging your mother... come visit Ecuador!"
...An Eagle keeps popping up which I'm sure is meant to be one of those abstract allegories for something. To be honest I'm half expecting a car logo to pop up and for it to be all some subtle pointing to a car.
Car adverts have really messed up a game I used to play with myself where I had to guess what the advert was trying to sell. (A game that works well in Britian where an advert can consist of basically anything with a quick flash to the product at the end) However no. Car adverts have to be different. The volvo advert picked up on this quite well with their "how to make a sexy car" add (just a shame they were selling a 4x4... not generally considered to be sexiest car in the world...
That advert for match.com is starting to annoy me. Just saying.
Bye for now.
Adam.
A diplomat is someone who will tell you to go to hell in such a way you will look forward to the trip.
I am however quite enjoying some of it. And have perhaps found something that my life has been lacking of lately. I've been searching for some feel good dance music that I wouldn't mind playing out loud. The closest I have been to feel good music recently has been the subtle volume turn up of "In the Navy" which comes up on my phone.
...Not quite sure what the neighbours would think though...
Today, has been interesting to say the least really. The point of my day that I will remember was being persuaded into buying a pen for some prostate charity. When exiting the Clintons cards store where I had purchased this pen I was reminded to "keep checking them"... thanks for that :P
...Sweet like chocolate has just come on. Probably what a chocolate inducted nightmare would look like. Seriously this video is scarier than the exorcist on crack...
Not quite sure what I think of this "Geordie shore". I really can't see what people see in programs like that. I tried watching that "made in essex" the other day and ended up switching....
...Oh dear god... There's this song that is basically an advert for "visit Ecuador" It shows a man in a cowboy hat shouting thinks at a camera ending with the country. This man could effectively be shouting anything. "I am shagging your mother... come visit Ecuador!"
...An Eagle keeps popping up which I'm sure is meant to be one of those abstract allegories for something. To be honest I'm half expecting a car logo to pop up and for it to be all some subtle pointing to a car.
Car adverts have really messed up a game I used to play with myself where I had to guess what the advert was trying to sell. (A game that works well in Britian where an advert can consist of basically anything with a quick flash to the product at the end) However no. Car adverts have to be different. The volvo advert picked up on this quite well with their "how to make a sexy car" add (just a shame they were selling a 4x4... not generally considered to be sexiest car in the world...
That advert for match.com is starting to annoy me. Just saying.
Bye for now.
Adam.
A diplomat is someone who will tell you to go to hell in such a way you will look forward to the trip.
Saturday, 19 March 2011
Shortest ever blog.
To get the ol' ball rolling I thought I'd follow up on a previous post and happily announce the release of the app "core" onto the app store (God I should be paid for this!) Rather addictive I must say! Well worth the monies it costs to pur-chase. On the 'tunes market place. Here's the link! Happy "Coring" (I am copyrighting that word!) http://smartcode.at/apps/#core
Onto more recent business. As anybody who was in a 2 mile radius of me from about 2 months ago will know it was my birthday on Friday. They will also know how excited I have been and have also had an overwhelming urge to punch me in the face... (note to self: Are these two phenomenon linked?!?)
I FINALLY GOT MY CUDDLY TALKING CHEWBACCA! Get in there! I mean even if he does make slightly orgasmic sounding noises when you squeeze him... Other presents include; A new coat, a fender top (Miss Johnstone), an angry birds pig (pretty awesome I must say Miss Eve), a Hollister Hoodie and photo collage (From Em (L))>
... and a pan...
I was overwhelmed by text messages. The blasted things pretty much killed my phone for most of the day so thanks for that guys ;D. I think I managed to reply to them all but if I didn't nothing personal it probably got lost in the depths of my now massive inbox... The thing is now bigger than some girl singing about her average day needing bowls...
Whilst on the subject of that awful song I'm going to jump on the proverbial bandwagon and express my annoyance of it. Is anybody else sitting there shouting at the screen for her to CHOOSE A FUCKING SEAT?!? If you watch the video backwards its about a girl who comes out of a party and becomes increasingly unpopular... SHE HAS NO SOUL. Seriously I think she's actually an animated corpse on some sick joke on the music industry...
She didn't actually write the song. Arkmusic.com or whoever she's with actually wrote the song... so no more jokes from me...
... though she probably has problems on planes...
I scored a goal in Lacrosse today... just saying.
I have decided to try and become a journalist. I don't know what you may all think of this dear readers. It is a job that is likely to keep me more on my toes than a midget at a urinal.
THAT IS ALL,
Adam.
To the woman behind me on my driving lesson the other day;
Keep honking... I'm reloading.
Sunday, 27 February 2011
I wish I could think of a decent title.
With the encouraging words of Alexander Schuch still firmly ingrained in my memory I set to work writing the first blog I have written in a while.
No excuses its probably got a lot to do with the general laziness I've been suffering that I haven't actually done another blog. Or that I've only ever had like 3 comments ever! People say they have read them and thought they were really good yet I have no comments!
The best place to start would probably be the events of today, which started badly after I forgot that the church service I had meant to be doing sound desk on was moved to Alty Methodist Church. The silver lining to this was that I went campaigning with the Labour Party (Woo!) and Broadheath was full of the sounds of the general public being harassed by a bunch of people who had far too much energy for a Sunday morning!
After that my family (or rather my mum) was insistent that we went out for lunch. We were originally meant to be visiting Bocadillo's in the village; but finding that closed we went further afield.
This was when my Mum revealed to us that she didn't feel suitably dressed or prepared for an actual restaurant and so 2 o'clock found her wallowing in the ambiance of the Tesco café eating jacket potato with the rest of us deciding that maybe it wasn't so bad at all.
Yesterday an event happened that had been waiting a while. I, by a slip of the tongue, called Anne Black... Mum.
I was on Skype to Emily and we had been talking earlier about how I sometimes practically live at her house. True as this may be maybe I shouldn't go round as often before I forget where I actually live.
I went down to watch telly with my actual parents later wondering if I would feel any bond of familiarity with them at all!
This week I have been looking at the world of the automobile. I've been trawling through www.Autotrader.co.uk trying to find a possible car for me to drive. After the millionth page of ford fiesta's I found possibly the worst car in the world.
This car has;
- A top speed of 56mph (so litterally 0-60 in like never!)
- An engine you'd probably find in a lawnmower with about 21bhp.
And let's face it. Any car with "boot carpet" listed in its features is getting pretty desperate!
On the flip side it's an automatic and is all yours for £1790.
On the other hand you'll have grannies overtaking you on the inside lane whilst their mates, stuffed in the back with their morrisons and B'n'M bargains bags, swear at you through the back window.
Recently I have discovered the wonder that is Skype. (Recently being since my last blog). Skype basically lets you talk to people via the wonder that is the internet! Unfortunately my girlfriend's skype keeps going on and off. I have actually started to just to count until she goes offline again. It's rather frustrating for her. Mildly amusing for me as it winds her up to no end. It's even funnier because you can do this thing called screen share which means that the other person can see what you're doing on your screen. I am using this as a form of torture as she can see what is being written AND HAS NO WAY OF STOPPING IT MWHAHAHAHA! ... apart from blackmail.
... which she is rather good at. Because she is a horrible person.
I am also a horrible person because I am enjoying this. I guess that's why we're still together.
(Emily: God knows why) (Adam: I'm sure he does but because you're an atheist he doesn't think you exist)
Religion is an interesting topic. Not many comedians venture out into what is effectively an
Indiana Jones tunnel of death with a rolling Pope chasing them. However some do. Eddie Izzard for example likes the idea of a god of chaos who sits in a caravan somewhere in the universe and goes "I made that? I dunno did I?" *Emily's internet fails* Maybe God is punishing me. He certainly seemed hellbent that I was not going to be going to church today. (Maybe he thinks I'm a bad influence on the old people there) First I overslept, second of all it tipped it down and when I finally arrived. Nobody was there. Instead a polite little notice informed me that the service had been moved to Alty Methodist Church and nobody had deigned to tell me (or maybe I just forgot... who knows? Apparently him but I received no memo from the guy in the sky)
You might notice that my spelling is rather good in this Blog. This is because I now have my own little voice making sure I stay on the straight and narrow with Emily on this screen sharing thing on Skype who seems to be going pedal to the metal to make sure my spelling is correct. GRAMMAR NAZI! (Emily: well you're the English Student!)
It's kind of like having your teacher staring over your shoulder and reading everything you've said. I can also tell her reaction to everything I've said as she is in a wonderful little box to the right of my screen. Which also means I can see the guy in her cupboard that she's been "babysitting" with again! (Emily: No you can't because I'm on the floor) (Adam: So there IS a guy in your cupboard then?) *Emily's internet dies* (Emily: kills self)
I hope by my little brackets you can see my relationship with Emily *Emily's internet dies* as a sort of voice over my shoulder thing... *Emily's internet dies* (Adam: this is actually quite funny... except its not because I have to put the effort in of actually putting her back on screen share. It's like trying to hang a cup on a rail that's slanted. You know the cups going to fall off and you'll have to pick it up and... (Emily: Oh so you have to put effort in to putting me back on the screen? Am I that much of a burden?) (Adam: No dear...) yeh its always going to fall off...
Any how I will now love you and leave you as I am going to get back to watching Emily get increasingly frustrated with her internet. Which, as it turns out, is actually quite fun!
Adam xxx
A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking. x
Wednesday, 17 November 2010
Life, my garden and phone contracts.
Recently I've been looking out into my garden and realising that perhaps doing in the rain wasn't such a good idea after all. Usually you might say that people "mow" the lawn. Occasionally one man and his dog though I've never quite got what the dog did in that little relationship... and what does Noah need with 500 hammers?
Anyway, to say that I had mown the lawn might be somewhat of an understatement. The phrase one might look for when describing the current state of my garden might be that I have pretty much massacred the grass. No living thing was spared the wrath of my Lawnmower as I churned up mud, grass and nearly bits of slide in my crusade against the evils of my backyard which now looks like its been used as a mud wrestling arena for that guy with the wheelbarrow...
Tuesday was somewhat of an eventful day. I have recently changed onto a Virgin Mobile deal and as such I wanted to get my PAC code from T-mobile to Virgin ASAP. After 5 minutes of frankly torture at the hands of Richard Branson's crap choice in phone music I finally got through to someone. (The 1 button to change music does not work after, in a fit of near suicidalness [if thats a word] I decided to mash it at the same pace a person who might be have a cardiac arrest.) The person then said they couldn't help me because I wasn't "the account holder" FML. "Okay I'll just go get my dad...*hang up*"
After a few seconds deliberation, I decided to ring up again.
5 minutes of crap Jazz music later I finally got through to someone and had the problem solved in less than a minute. Well when I say "I" I actually mean "Nigel Legg" if you catch my drift. "Hello my name is Nigel Legg and I'd like to get my son's PAC number sorted out... Yes Yes the whole family's getting theirs sorted out you see. It's me, my err Son and my Mu... Wife yesss. Ahh you see? We talk on similar wavelengths"
Anyway yes that was that and I should be back on my original number on the 18th :D
I'm not saying I advocate lying to Virgin and Richard Branson with his slick smile and blond locks. I'm saying that pretending your mother is your wife is an image I might need to have therapy about later in my life.
I have another invention for Dragons Den. It's an FML key on the keyboard. This is because I swear people these days seem to be using the acronym way more than the letter "x" or "z".
Infact we could get rid of "z" and replace it with FML. It might just work. Or as a more positive initiative replace the FML key with a smiley face hich might make Emo's think of heir lives in a more positive manner AND STOP FILLING UP MY NEWS FEED WITH YOUR SENSELESS MOANING.
Jeez. You make Bella look like a reasonably happy person.
I have decided that I might start to enjoy post marital bliss. That is, if anyone is crazy enough to want to put up with me for the rest of my life.
I think I should just stick with the hope of a "care in the community scheme" going horribly out of control.
With this in mind I have already decided that, once married I will probably eat my way into oblivion.
So today Dragons I bring before you a device that some of you might find attractive when you one day decide to give up and impersonate Eric Pickles.
I call it the Fat Roller; They are professionally trained men (and women) who will roll you wherever you need to go. You will never have to walk anywhere again. AND you can spend the whole trip lying down. Their fee will include life insurance just in case you roll back on top of them. Job done.
That's where I'll leave you tonight Ladies and Gentlewomen.
Adam xx
...I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Anyway, to say that I had mown the lawn might be somewhat of an understatement. The phrase one might look for when describing the current state of my garden might be that I have pretty much massacred the grass. No living thing was spared the wrath of my Lawnmower as I churned up mud, grass and nearly bits of slide in my crusade against the evils of my backyard which now looks like its been used as a mud wrestling arena for that guy with the wheelbarrow...
Tuesday was somewhat of an eventful day. I have recently changed onto a Virgin Mobile deal and as such I wanted to get my PAC code from T-mobile to Virgin ASAP. After 5 minutes of frankly torture at the hands of Richard Branson's crap choice in phone music I finally got through to someone. (The 1 button to change music does not work after, in a fit of near suicidalness [if thats a word] I decided to mash it at the same pace a person who might be have a cardiac arrest.) The person then said they couldn't help me because I wasn't "the account holder" FML. "Okay I'll just go get my dad...*hang up*"
After a few seconds deliberation, I decided to ring up again.
5 minutes of crap Jazz music later I finally got through to someone and had the problem solved in less than a minute. Well when I say "I" I actually mean "Nigel Legg" if you catch my drift. "Hello my name is Nigel Legg and I'd like to get my son's PAC number sorted out... Yes Yes the whole family's getting theirs sorted out you see. It's me, my err Son and my Mu... Wife yesss. Ahh you see? We talk on similar wavelengths"
Anyway yes that was that and I should be back on my original number on the 18th :D
I'm not saying I advocate lying to Virgin and Richard Branson with his slick smile and blond locks. I'm saying that pretending your mother is your wife is an image I might need to have therapy about later in my life.
I have another invention for Dragons Den. It's an FML key on the keyboard. This is because I swear people these days seem to be using the acronym way more than the letter "x" or "z".
Infact we could get rid of "z" and replace it with FML. It might just work. Or as a more positive initiative replace the FML key with a smiley face hich might make Emo's think of heir lives in a more positive manner AND STOP FILLING UP MY NEWS FEED WITH YOUR SENSELESS MOANING.
Jeez. You make Bella look like a reasonably happy person.
I have decided that I might start to enjoy post marital bliss. That is, if anyone is crazy enough to want to put up with me for the rest of my life.
I think I should just stick with the hope of a "care in the community scheme" going horribly out of control.
With this in mind I have already decided that, once married I will probably eat my way into oblivion.
So today Dragons I bring before you a device that some of you might find attractive when you one day decide to give up and impersonate Eric Pickles.
I call it the Fat Roller; They are professionally trained men (and women) who will roll you wherever you need to go. You will never have to walk anywhere again. AND you can spend the whole trip lying down. Their fee will include life insurance just in case you roll back on top of them. Job done.
That's where I'll leave you tonight Ladies and Gentlewomen.
Adam xx
...I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
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